Are you a radiator or a mood hoover?

The effect that we can have on others – and what we can do about it…

You know those people. The people who simply radiate warmth, like human sunshine. You just have to spend time with them and you feel energised. Then there’s the mood hoovers, a term coined by the fabulous Andy Cope… The people who suck the life out of you like emotional vampires, who leave you feeling drained after spending any time with them. Let me make it clear, we’re not talking depression here (and please do seek support if you feel it might be depression) – we’re talking the low level serial moaners. They moan about the weather, they moan about everyone in the office, and they gradually hoover all the positivity out of you, leaving you feeling as miserable as they do.

Because this is the thing – moods are contagious. We humans mirror each other, so once one person starts moaning, we all risk joining them. We are relational beings who need human connection (however much some of us try to deny this), and will try to fit in however we can. A bad mood will spread until there’s a black cloud over everyone – but a good mood can spread too. Ever been smiled at and not smiled back? It’s so hard to do! It’s not about toxic positivity and painting each black cloud with an “at least” – “at leasts” can feel patronising and condescending when we’re going through a tough time (see Brené Brown’s excellent video on empathy). But if you’re one of the radiators in life, and find yourself being drained by other people, try to remember the ripples you are making just by being you. Let your own light and warmth shine and this will encourage others to do the same – some will choose to join you; some will not.

Let your own light and warmth shine through the clouds @Jules Lowe Counselling

Ok, I think I know some mood hoovers, what now?

Identifying the mood hoovers in our lives is a great start! It's worth noticing when your energy is being zapped – is it by one person or a group of people, and how can you protect yourself? We cannot control whether they choose to hoover, but we can control how much we let them hoover us – but it’s not easy! It may involve preparing yourself for whenever you encounter them, as it may actually take energy to stop them from hoovering your energy… I like to visualise a gorgeous sparkling Glinda bubble surrounding me – but maybe that’s just me… This can sometimes feel selfish – often radiators are warm because we are full of compassion, and this compassion can help us to consider how others may be feeling. We can offer our warmth to them, but if all the warmth gets drained away (or hoovered up like with one of those wet hoovers?) then we’ll have no warmth for others (or indeed ourselves). If all somebody is doing is draining us, do they really deserve our warmth?

I think I’m a radiator, but I’m exhausted…

Yep, this is possibly because you’re giving so much of your energy and warm out so much of the time that you have nothing left for yourself. Some of us have become so good at reading a room and sensing when tension or bad moods are creeping in – but this doesn’t mean we’re responsible for fixing it. Just because we’re a radiator, doesn’t mean it’s always our job to heat the room. We’re allowed to have alllll the human emotions, just like anybody else – just like a radiator isn’t on all of the time, we can turn ourselves off and rest too. We don’t just exist to cheer everybody else up.

It's worth looking out for the other radiators in your life, the people who energise you and take no effort to be around. The more you can warm each other up, the more energy you’ll have for everybody.

We can all feel like a dark cloud at times @Jules Lowe Counselling

But what if I’m reading this and thinking I might be a mood hoover?

I realised halfway through writing this that I was totally saying I was a radiator. And then thought this might be a humble brag. And then thought no wait, I’m a radiator and proud(!), but also recognised that I often feel the pressure to heat the room at all times (classic rescuer on Karpman’s Drama Triangle – but that’s for another time!). But what if you’re reading this and thinking wait, my glass is rarely half full? Am I the moaner she’s talking about?

Well to start with, try and have some compassion for yourself. So often our moans are due to lack of self-confidence and/or fear of change. Next time you find yourself low-level grumbling, notice it, and ask yourself, does something feel unfair? Is there something you could do about it? Have you “caught” it off someone else? Decide whether the grumbles help the feeling pass over you – sometimes we just need to let it out and then it’s over. Sometimes we recognise that something is actually unfair and then we need to decide what to do about it. And sometimes we may recognise that continuously grumbling about it is actually adding fuel to the fire without actually changing anything and that what we really need to do is just stop. The more we are aware of what we’re doing, the more we can do something about it.

Whether we’re naturally more of a radiator or a mood hoover, I wonder if we’re all capable of being both at times. What can help is being aware of ourselves, aware of the people around us, deciding which we’d prefer to be and being compassionate to ourselves when we struggle. (And I’m here for when you need some help with that compassion xx)