Men and Loss
Because men grieve too…
“He’s being so strong!”…
“He’s really keeping it all together – I don’t know how he does it…”…
“I think he’s fine… he seems fine…”…
Sound familiar? In a society where grievers in general can sometimes feel the pressure to appear “fine” and “over it”, for men this can be felt even more so. As someone who usually bangs on about everyone being unique, be warned: for this blog I’m going to make some generalisations. Because we as a society can often make generalisations as to how a “typical” man is expected to behave, and this can have an impact on the individual person. Through working with clients I’ve seen patterns in some of the issues that men can face, and there’s current theory to back it up. But whatever your gender and however much you relate to what I write here, you are welcome, and it might help gain some understanding into how someone you love may be feeling.
You don't always have to be as solid as a rock @Jules Lowe Counselling
Changes are happening in the world of Men’s Mental Health. We’ve got groups like Andy’s Man Club giving space for men to talk, and TV programmes like Welcome to Wrexham modelling men who aren’t afraid to talk about their feelings. However, there is still this stereotypical view that men need to be strong and not cry, and many of the men I work with feel the pressure to make sure that everybody else in the family is ok, and not share how they are feeling themselves. They’re the one who’s expected to do all of the “odd jobs” around the house – and indeed they’d rather do this as it feels like they’re doing something. They pride themselves on being the one who’s able to keep it all together and hold the fort whilst others around them are overcome with emotion. They find themselves concentrating on “fixing” things and trying to get things done, and it can be years before they start to realise the impact the loss (in whatever form it comes) may have had on themselves.
And then what happens? They think it’s too late to talk to someone. It happened ages ago, so why are they still upset? A lot of the time the reason is because they haven’t allowed themselves or felt they’ve been able to be upset until now. Grief will wait. A lot of us feel that if we ignore it for long enough it will simply disappear, whereas actually it stays lurking, and often increasing in impact, the more we pretend it’s not there. Ten years, twenty years later, it can still be helpful to talk about it. To explore what your loss meant for you, and arrange your feelings and thoughts so they sit a little better in your mind. If you’re a classic “fixer”, and so many of us are, grief can feel really uncomfortable as we can’t fix it – we can’t bring our loved one back to life or go back in time and stop the loss from happening. But we can work out how to carry it a little better, so that it becomes part of our lives and our glorious selves, rather than weighing us down and waiting to strike unexpectedly.
There can be growth in the face of adversity @Jules Lowe Counselling
Although there’s not loads of research, what there is suggests that typically men tend to steer towards the “doing” restoration side of the Dual Process Model (the what? Click the link!). Doka talks about heart grievers and head grievers – it’s a spectrum but, you’ve guessed it, men tend to be found on the instrumental end of the scale. Head grievers often grieve in practical ways, such as creating a memorial for their loved one, and will often find returning to work, for instance, a welcome diversion that they are eager to do. They may find they want to “dose” their grief, and only go into the loss side occasionally, and on their terms as much as they can control it. And there’s nothing wrong with this. Everyone grieves differently, and if doing practical things and ensuring that you do make sure you step into that loss every now and then works for you then there’s no need to worry. Just because someone does not appear emotional does not mean that they are not coping.
It's when these strategies aren’t working for you that it may be helpful to talk to someone. I get quite a few men coming to me because they feel angry, but they don’t know why. Anger can arise when we feel threatened, or when something feels unfair, and once we start to unpick what’s underneath the anger, feelings of fear and grief that have been buried deep down can appear. It can feel threatening and scary to think of a future which is so unknown. It can feel unfair that someone you loved died, for instance, or that your relationship has broken down when you tried your best – and together with that unfairness comes a feeling of sadness that you’ve never been allowed to express. Sometimes it can feel unfair that you’ve had to “stay strong” and look after everybody else, when others have been able to break down. Together we can work out what are your own unique feelings, and what you may have been burying, so that you can start to integrate what has happened into the rest of your life. Because men grieve too, and deserve to be heard.
Doka, K. J., Martin, T. L. (2011). Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn, Revised Edition. Taylor & Francis.
Doka, K. J. (2017). Grief is a journey: Finding your path through loss. Simon and Schuster.
Reynolds, R., Mcelhenney, R. et al (Executive Producers). (2022 -) Welcome To Wrexham (TV series). 3 Arts Entertainment, Boardwalk Pictures, Maximum Effort.
