The Elephant In The Room

For everyone carrying their own elephant, and for the friend that cares.

I talk a lot about the elephant in the room. Because so often we don’t. Because we’re scared to address it. It might make others feel uncomfortable. It might make us uncomfortable. We decide that it’s too painful to look at, so we try to hide it away. Pretend it’s not there. It might not even be a conscious decision. It may be a result of subtle clues we’ve picked up from our families or friends – we don’t talk about such things, we don’t want to upset them. But the elephant doesn’t go away. We know it’s there. However much we try and hide it, ignore it, it’s still there, and if anything it’s getting bigger, getting more desperate to be seen, to be heard.

Often that elephant is grief. And grief doesn’t just disappear the more we ignore it. If anything it becomes more painful. And I’m not saying it ever stops being painful, but it can feel less painful the more familiar it gets. The more we welcome grief in like a guest. The more we get to know it, and hear what it has to say. Ok, so we may not have wanted that guest, and we’d prefer it wasn’t there. But it isn’t the elephant’s fault, and sometimes it makes less of a fuss if we just hear what it has to say.

We can try and hide our elephant under the carpet, but it's absolutely still there and completely noticeable @Jules Lowe Counselling

When somebody dies…

… you can almost see the elephant taking the space where the person used to be – the armchair they used to sit in, “their” place in the car, their seat in the office. Instead of your loved one at the family meal, or the wedding, or sending you a text, you now have an elephant reminding you that they are gone, the absence feeling almost louder than if they were there. And yet people are scared to mention that person in case they upset you. As if they’re going to remind you that that person existed. I see it in within families so much – each member of the family is desperately trying to pretend they’re ok so as not to worry the others, when actually they can all see the elephant, they are all feeling the pain it brings, and by not mentioning the elephant they are not gaining and giving the support that they so desperately need.

Sometimes people don't even know that it's there @Jules Lowe Counselling

When you go through a relationship breakdown…

… it feels like you might never be happy again. Even if you’re the person who “officially” ended the relationship, your heart can still be breaking – you’d imagined a whole future with this person and now that future isn’t going to happen. Unlike when somebody dies, that person is still walking on this earth and there’s always a chance that you’ll see them again (especially if children are involved). This can come with a whole heap of different and complex emotions. The elephant in the room comes with sadness and anger and guilt and it can feel easier just to not go there. But by not acknowledging the elephant, we risk increasing the shame that can often come with a breakdown – we should have tried harder, it’s our fault the relationship “failed”.  

When you struggle to conceive…

… it can sometimes feel like nobody has even noticed the massive elephant that is following you around. Often it’s not active avoidance, it’s that people don’t even know, because we don’t feel like we can share it, that it feels uncomfortable to bring it up. And even though this isn’t their fault, it can feel so hurtful when it’s often all you can think of. Every month the hope, the picturing of a future with a child of your own, and then the grief that follows when once again every month the dream is shattered. The medical language around failure and feeling like it’s your “fault”, when your partner is holding their own unwarranted shame about it being their “fault”. So often we don’t even truly acknowledge the elephant with our partner – that feeling of letting them down, of wanting to do something to help - never mind anyone else. Instead of a baby, there’s an elephant, and nobody’s asking to hold it.

The elephant in the room is welcome in my counselling room - maybe it's time to see what yours has to say @Jules Lowe Counselling

So what do we do about these elephants?

Well, if you’re a friend – notice them. You are not going to remind the person that the elephant is there – that elephant is following them around and they are thinking about it constantly. We can’t take the elephant away, but we can make the elephant, and the person who’s carrying it, feel seen and heard and loved, and so often this is so incredibly powerful.

Ask them about their loved one, say that you’re thinking of them or share a fond memory of you own. Just saying their name can be enough, giving the message that you are happy to sit with their pain rather than running a mile.

Ask them how they’re holding up after a relationship breakdown and say how much it sucks. They possibly don’t need a tirade of how awful their ex was (this can often be unhelpful as it can actually feel like a judgement on their ability to choose a suitable partner, plus they may just not be in that place). They possibly don’t need to be told there’s more fish in the sea (the sea can look pretty bleak and terrifying when newly single!). They possibly do need someone to remind them how amazing they are and how much you love them and aren’t leaving their side.

Ask them how they’re doing. Let them choose what they share and what they don’t. Let them know that you love them and they can share their elephant with you.

There are so many of us carrying so many of our own unique elephants. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we got to introduce them to each other and make space for them, rather than trying to avoid their presence in the room? But also, let’s acknowledge how incredibly hard that can be for everyone involved. Which is where I come in. I’ve invited many clients into my counselling room, and many have brought their own elephant, or indeed several. My room is a place where elephants are welcome, invited and listened to. And it’s my absolute privilege to be able to do so.