The Magic of Music
How music can help us to grieve…
“Eternal Flame” by the Bangles comes on the radio and I’m instantly transported back to seemingly endless summer days, colouring pens from Partners, my bike strewn on the lawn (and yes I have just aged myself!). It’s not just the sights – I can almost taste the mint cornetto I’m eating and feel the sun beating down on my face. More than that, I feel safe – it reminds me of a time when life just felt simpler. I guess I need to point out here that it’s not the lyrics – they didn’t exactly sum up anything of what I felt as a seven-year-old – it’s the melody, the guitar solo, the way the music made me feel. “God Only Knows” by The Beach Boys? – well I still can’t quite listen to that without tears forming, but these days I welcome them. Not only is it a way of remembering someone so special that they will never truly leave me, but it’s also just such a beautiful piece of music, and I’m grateful that music can have such a visceral effect on me.
Music plays such a part in the important events in our lives, like weddings @Jules Lowe Counselling
Music has always played a massive part in my life, and I know that I’m not alone. Music is often a feature of so many big events in our lives – weddings, funerals, birthday celebrations… - as well as often being in the background of our every day lives. It can be so communal – shared gigs together or nights out – or it can be wonderfully solitary – the soundtrack to our drive into work or a walk with our earphones in. When somebody dies, music can bring back so many memories that it can be too painful to listen. However, eventually many find that it can also bring enormous comfort, be it in reminding us of our loved ones or indeed soothing us and helping us to heal.
So how can music help?
Well, let’s start with this idea that music can evoke memories and help us to feel nostalgic. Nostalgia can get a bit of a bad rep sometimes, with us sometimes fearing that we’re living in the past rather than the here and now. However, the latest research, such as Wang et al, 2023, suggests that far from causing distress, nostalgia can actually relieve it. It helps us to remember those good times, transporting us to the past without fully taking us there – we know we are still in the present moment, but can be comforted by the past. Often these are shared memories – how many times have you bonded with somebody over a shared love of a song and both had that hazy look of, “Do you remember when?”? Some of these memories may feel painful to begin with, if the person we shared them with is no longer here, but over time, many find comfort in listening to songs and remembering a time when they were.
Music can create a real emotional response. If we’re going to go all science-y, research suggests that this is due to its ability to modulate amygdala activity, the amygdala being the part of the brain that regulates emotions and ties emotional meaning to memories. This emotional response produces dopamine, which is the feel-good chemical, meaning that by listening to music our brain can actually produce chemicals that make us feel happy. But if we’re not going to go all science-y, we all know the effect that music can have on us, sometimes to soothe us, sometimes to get us excited for a night out, sometimes to help us wallow in sadness for a bit – and it’s ok to wallow sometimes and let those tears out. It’s the griefy bit of the Dual Process Model, and music can help us unlock some of that grief in a way that feels a little more controllable.
Music can be such a powerful way to remember your person @Jules Lowe Counselling
This is one of the reasons why music can feel like a helpful continuing bond for many grievers. We can press play and remember our loved one, but have control over when we press pause if it starts to feel overwhelming. Every worried that if you start crying, you simply won’t be able to stop and tears will simply leak out of you forever? Well firstly, just to reassure you, they will stop, you will not be crying non-stop forever. But music can be a great way of taking back some control. It can also help you to feel like they are still there with you, just in a different way – listening to a piece of music that you used to share together can help bring comfort and help you to still feel attached to them for that moment.
Music can help soothe us, music can make us happy, and it can also help us to feel allll the emotions. Once again, it’s a case of you doing you, and finding what helps – there is no right way to grieve. And if you need help in navigating your own unique melody of grief, or need a space to share your musical memories, just get in touch.
