Goodbyes and the Therapeutic Relationship
Why saying goodbye can be hard and yet healing at the same time…
If you work with me, I’ll mention endings in our very first session. It might feel a bit bizarre to talk about endings at the very beginning – I can’t wait to work with you, but let’s talk about when we stop working together. But one day we might. Because one of the aims of therapy is to empower you to the point that you feel you don’t need my support anymore – the support has helped you believe in yourself and your own capabilities. This doesn’t mean you can’t continue counselling – sometimes it can help to have a monthly check in, for instance, a scheduled time for yourself where you can explore how you’re feeling in a safe, non-judgemental space. And of course life may throw a new obstacle, a new challenge, and you recognise that you need that extra support (and there’s great strength in recognising that you don’t have to go through anything alone). However, at some point, our sessions will come to an end and I will work with you to try and make it as therapeutic an ending as possible. I’m really aware that so many of my clients come to me because they have experienced an ending of a relationship that they felt they had no control over (for instance a bereavement, or a divorce), and it can be really powerful to feel as if we had some say in how at least the therapeutic ending plays out - we can expect it and somewhat prepare for it, unlike so many endings outside the therapy room. Part of the process of healing can therefore be this act of saying goodbye, of experiencing an ending where everything is said that is wanted to be said, and feeling like you had at least some warning that it was coming.
Snowdrops may look delicate but have the resilience to grow in the harshest conditions @Jules Lowe Counselling
Saying goodbye can be hard. I’m not someone who enjoys endings. Yes, I’m a grief counsellor – go figure… Maybe it’s like when I used to enjoy teaching primary Maths because I could empathise with the struggle of the way your brain hurts when you try and do division? But maybe it’s because a lot of what makes any ending hard is that while it lasted it was so special. The bond that you can form as counsellor and client, the therapeutic relationship, is often stated as one of the most important factors in bringing about change, and I definitely feel this when it comes to the clients I work with. If you feel comfortable with me, if you feel that I have a genuine interest in you and that I’m not going to judge what you say, you are surely more likely to open up and feel safe enough to explore those uncomfortable feelings and aspects that you’ve been trying to avoid. If you don’t feel that I care, then why would you trust me with this?
And reader, I really do care. I genuinely feel it with you when you receive that terrible news, or get frustrated with you when someone lets you down, and I jump for joy when you get the job you’ve so desperately wanted, or when you come to the realisation that actually, you’re pretty amazing. It's ok, I’ve sufficiently worked on making sure that your stuff remains your stuff (part of the many, many hours of training involves making sure we don’t take home what’s not ours, even when we’re natural empaths) but this doesn’t stop me joining you on the rollercoaster while you’re with me, and therefore it’s no wonder it can be hard for us both when this particular rollercoaster ends. We been through so many good times and not-so-good times together and the thought of not finding out what happens next together can feel bewildering.
Bluebells are only with us for a short time each year but that doesn't make them any less beautiful @Jules Lowe Counselling
However, one of the amazing things about the therapeutic relationship is that it can create a blueprint for how other relationships can be in the “real world” outside of the therapy room. It may be that you have never experienced a securely-attached relationship, one in which you feel safe enough to be your true self, and also be prepared to take risks. As I counsellor, even though it may be for a short time, I can be that secure base, encouraging you to fly, knowing that I’ll be there to catch you. Eventually, this can empower you to become your own secure base, knowing that whatever happens in life you can handle it, as well as looking for those around you who can provide you with the support you need, when you need it.
Two years ago I did a sponsored 1.7 million steps to raise money for Diabetes UK (excuse the casual humble brag…). It was over three months, and I decided to do a little video selfie of me and the various people who came to join me as I walked. The montage I created afterwards really mirrored how my life is in general – and how I believe we are all on a walk through life. Sometimes I was on my own, various friends came in and out, and my husband was with me the most (because he was dragged out more than anybody else!). It made me think how in life, sometimes we are walking on our own. Some people come in and out. They can sometimes make such a profound impact in such a short space of time, an impact that will stay with us forever, but are simply not meant to walk the whole course with us. Then there are the really significant people – maybe parents, maybe siblings, maybe partners, maybe really close friends – who walk alongside us for so much of our lives that it’s hard to imagine what it would be like not to have them walking next to us. So much so that it can be truly devasting and quite frankly unfathomable if they do stop walking with us. Sometimes we can try and fight this, to try and have everybody walk alongside us the whole time. But actually, this would get tricky. How would they physically fit on the path in my metaphor? But how can we have time and energy for them all? Maybe some relationships are only for a season, but the impact they make can stay with us forever. And maybe this is why goodbyes can be so hard, but also a celebration of the wonderfulness that has been. Because even though we may physically never see each other again, the impact will last a lifetime for us both.
Glorious sunflowers bring sunshine into our lives for a short amount of time @Jules Lowe Counselling
I truly do think it’s a gift to get to walk alongside people as they make their way along their own unique walk through life. It may just be for such a relatively short section of their walk, but the fact that they are willing to share it with me is a privilege, a privilege I do not take lightly. The time may come for them to choose a different path, one that doesn’t include me, but just as they’ll remember different insights I may have given them, I’ll remember the insights into life they’ll have given me too.
Interested in having me join you for part of your walk of life? Get in touch to find out more about how we can work together.
