Wait, what date is it again?

The importance that anniversaries can have when grieving…

I don’t know whether it stems from being a teacher and writing the date on the board every day for many years of my life, or maybe it’s my love of History, but I’m big into dates. I love looking back and thinking oh this is what I was doing a year ago and I love it when photos come up and remind me of fun times with lovely humans.

Unfortunately this also means that I place a big significance on other days too. This was the day they died. This was the day the funeral was held. This was the last time I had our favourite meal together (i’m not joking - I like food!). Their birthday. Christmas. If you are someone, like me, who finds dates significant, then you may find your calendar suddenly littered with griefy days, days that used to be full of joy or just regular days but now are met with at least a tinge of sadness because our loved one is no longer with us. Or maybe you’re someone who doesn’t normally place a great significance on dates, but finds yourself finding national holidays harder than you thought. Either way, the following is an offering which may help…

Seasonal flowers appearing can remind us of what we were doing the last time they blossomed @Jules Lowe Counselling

Mark the day the way you want to mark it

Just as there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is no right or wrong way to acknowledge these significant dates. You may want to retreat and limit how sociable you are that day. You may want to tell a key person at work to keep an eye on you (we can’t always guarantee that everyone will understand, especially if they’re not part of the grief club or grieve in different ways to you, but there might be at least one person who gets it, or is willing to try). You may want everything to be as “normal” as possible, and then carve out some griefy time later on with a person you trust.

Whatever you decide, it’s worth thinking about it in advance, and giving yourself permission to grieve. You may not know what you’ll need until the day actually arrives – and that’s totally understandable. My biggest offering is to try and be compassionate with yourself and allow yourself some space. If the griefy feeling is there it’s unlikely to disappear if you just ignore it - but to a certain extent you can decide when to give it attention and how.

The build up can be worse than the day

Just like the anticipation of Christmas can sometimes be even better than the day itself, sometimes this gets completely flipped round when grieving. Grievers can find that they are dreading a certain day, but when it finally arrives, it really isn’t that bad. This can then sometimes lead to grievers worrying that this means they don’t actually care (aren’t we humans great at feeling guilty at every opportunity…), when I wonder whether sometimes it’s because we’ve done some of the grieving and processing in the run up.

The build up can also see us looking back with hindsight at the events that led up to that day, when we had no clue what was coming. We can sometimes look back and think “if only I knew this would be the last time…”, and sometimes how naive I was to not realise what was coming, and again we can sometimes feel guilty for not doing or saying things differently (guilt is an emotion that can so often be felt when grieving - see my blog for more). This is where compassion can come in again, because how would you have known? Acknowledging and giving space for these feelings rather than avoiding, but also not ruminating on the coulda, woulda, shoulda can be helpful here – as can talking about it with a trusted friend or professional.

We are all unique, and so is our grief - if you’re feeling griefy, allow yourself to grieve @Jules Lowe Counselling

Dates might not be important to you, and that’s also OK…

I will often ask my bereaved clients about the value they place on anniversaries, and sometimes they will say they’re not really bothered. Sometimes grievers can feel a pressure that they should be more upset on significant days, they might even receive messages on birthdays or anniversaries from friends saying they’re “thinking of them” and feel guilty that actually they hadn’t even realised what day it is (here comes that default blaming ourselves again…). It can feel even worse if one family member finds anniversaries particularly significant and another doesn’t – why haven’t they messaged? Why don’t they care? But there is no right or wrong way to grieve and we all grieve differently, even within families. An awareness of how each feels about anniversaries in general can help realise it’s less about not caring about the person and more about grieving in different ways.

And then we come to national days, like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. For some it can feel like everybody else has an alive Mum or Dad, especially as you trawl through social media, and the heartache can begin as soon as you get that first email advertising the day (or indeed the first email asking whether you’d rather not hear, which is actually still talking about it, but that’s possibly a personal gripe!). If this is you, it might be worth taking a break from social media that day – there’s no need to punish yourself by comparing – and also trying to make space for that grief at some point during the day. Others may have had a complicated relationship with their parent, and so the grief felt that day may be the loss of the person, but it may also be the grief of what the relationship could have been.

Maybe the person you saw as Mum or Dad wasn’t your biological parent and you somehow feel like you’re not “allowed” to remember them on such days – here I would offer that perhaps it’s the love you feel for the person more than the official job title that’s important, and if we’re feeling grief, we’re allowed to grief. Maybe your person didn’t hold much significance to the day itself when they were alive, but now that they are gone it feels more significant. Or maybe it doesn’t. The point is there are no rules here. There’s a saying that grief doesn’t discriminate, and so whatever the relationship, whatever the significance you feel towards certain dates, if you feel griefy – grieve; if you don’t feel griefy – that’s ok.

Know that there’s support out there

Hopefully by now you’re starting to feel reassured that it is not unusual to find anniversaries of all kinds hard when grieving, but also that what you personally find hard might be different to others, depending on all sorts of things. It can feel hard when we feel as if nobody else understands, but you may be surprised with how many people are willing to try to understand, even if they aren’t experiencing the same things. And of course there’s always counselling – a space to explore your own unique grief with compassion and openness, and a space to grieve and acknowledge the importance of that person in your life. Because everybody needs support sometimes, especially when grieving xx